I think I can think of one person who’s opinion of me matters to me. Well, one person who doesn’t have to love me unconditionally and hasn’t been there forever. In shorter terms, one person who isn’t family (I don’t even care what 2/3 of my family thinks either). And it would upset me if someone’s selfish manipulations turned this persons opinion askew.
So I guess what I want to say is I’m glad that my friend told him you wished AIDS and abortion on me , called me numerous names, and even got your mother and friend involved. You said you’re happy everyone knows how I am now, whatever that means, but you don’t know how happy I am that he can see the ugly attitude and knows how low and pathetic you are. And even more happy that he agrees. He agrees.

Today I’ve been listening to Lazarus and Backmask over and over and over.

Anyways, about today. Today was pretty great. It was so beautiful outside. It felt like summer. It felt like I was younger, I guess. I suppose I mean, I didn’t feel any different. I just felt like my same old soul. It seems like every year my surroundings feel different to me. Today it felt familiar and pleasant.

Kaylee and I took a walk, and then we went to Vango’s with her dad. Then we came back to my house and took Nala for a walk. That was pleasant. It was pretty long, for taking Nala. I’m going to have to do it more often, now that the weather is fitting.

I’m sick of this cough and runny nose.

I seriously need to go and clean my room now and make it my peaceful place. I know it’s both mine and Nick’s, but he doesn’t really care if it’s dirty, clean, how I’d want it, whatever.

I need a zenden of my own kind.

OH. And since it’s obviously been awhile, I have to put it out there, for the record, that I love Lost, so so so much. I’m totally addicted and on the last season now. I’m going to figure how many hours I’ve spent from my life on it, and then I’ll tell ya haha. Not necessarily wasted, since they were enjoyed.

1. Decide your own life, don’t let another person run or rule you.
2. When in town, always respect the local law and officials, and try to be a gentleman at all times.
3. Don’t take advantage of someone who is in a vulnerable situation, locals or other hobos.
4. Always try to find work, even if temporary, and always seek out jobs nobody wants. By doing so you not only help a business along, but ensure employment should you return to that town again.
5. When no employment is available, make your own work by using your added talents at crafts.
6. Do not allow yourself to become a stupid drunk and set a bad example for locals’ treatment of other hobos.
7. When jungling in town, respect handouts, do not wear them out, another hobo will be coming along who will need them as bad, if not worse than you.
8. Always respect nature, do not leave garbage where you are jungling.
9. If in a community jungle, always pitch in and help.
10. Try to stay clean, and boil up wherever possible.
11. When traveling, ride your train respectfully, take no personal chances, cause no problems with the operating crew or host railroad, act like an extra crew member.
12. Do not cause problems in a train yard, another hobo will be coming along who will need passage through that yard.
13. Do not allow other hobos to molest children, expose all molesters to authorities, they are the worst garbage to infest any society.
14. Help all runaway children, and try to induce them to return home.
15. Help your fellow hobos whenever and wherever needed, you may need their help someday.
16. If present at a hobo court and you have testimony, give it. Whether for or against the accused, your voice counts!

“I personally think users should be able to chose between the timeline and not. It doesn’t really put focus around what you or others are saying on your wall to scan through, it mostly just emphasizes on the fact that I can creep very far back on my wall. Also I HATE HATE HATE that others can like and comment on my picture just because one of their friends is tagged in it. Seeing is one thing, but liking and commenting, noo. Another thing is I dislike how Facebook is now becoming so much like Tumblr in the way people are “sharing” stupid memes which don’t belong on Facebook. I think the social networks should hold their own purpose and stick to it instead of Facebook deciding to merge all the things together.”

“You should have asked me specifics like how I feel about some of your features, then this survey might have been a little more beneficial to you.”

Yep. I’m really beginning to dislike Facebook, haha.

I have less of an internal struggle with myself in the last year as I may have before that. I mostly struggled with myself due to others, I think. Negativity towards myself had never occurred to me until others seemed to have it. I guess what I’m saying is, I never had a bad time being me, even if I was different, until I realized that others perception of you can have an effect on you. Again what I’m saying is, in a perfect world, I am organically content being me. I just don’t like the stress of people questioning my mind and doubting me. It makes me doubt me. Or maybe I always did? I’m sort of numb to whatever I will or will not be though. It’s a complicated thing. But all in all, most discontentment stemmed from others.

The problem is the external misfortunes, lately.The ones that aren’t really personal, they just happen. They are life. I can’t help but feel sort of hopeless sometimes, as much as other people tell me things will be okay, things will get better. Unfortunately I cannot continue to live and also have a good old time being who I am. Who I am is not good at stupid little jobs, and also can’t drive. I just couldn’t function. But, if success and happiness had nothing to do with those things, from the last year I’d be fine, for the most part. 

I suppose what I’m saying is I’m perfect and life sucks. I’m totally kidding. But what I mean is I’m fine with me and I wish the world was too, because I’m not happy now. Having no money sucks. Having no job sucks. Thinking of how when you do get a job, you will suck, sucks. Having no license or car sucks, hence making you dependent on others -sucks. 

Although what doesn’t suck is waiting on a bridge card and medicaid. That’s something to look forward to. But it doesn’t pay all the bills. 

Oh yes, and having to find $200 to keep my beloved companions sucks. 

But these are all things I can’t get mad at anyone or blame anyone for. It’s just life. But one thing it sure can do is make me resent people who get everything, for nothing. I’m not scared to admit the resentment is jealousy driven. I’m not ashamed of that because I don’t think it’s low to be jealous of someone who does nothing and gets everything when you get next to nothing from anyone, I think it’s low to have everything handed to you. Let me clarify though, I don’t want to get everything handed to me. I would however like some things handed to me (hahaha) on the basis that I do know what it means to work for something, so such things can be appreciated and no one would be creating a monster.

I’m going on a tangent. Anyways, I thought things sucked before, and they did, but I never fully comprehended how life would suck after taking the leap. I figured, but didn’t care. I’d still never change anything, but I’m sure learning. That’s good.

Well. There’s a rant.

You know, upon thinking about it, I do want to be a Forensic Psychologist. That is what I am interested in and truly what I want. Yes, there are other things I’m interested in that might be quicker, but I don’t want them in the same way. So I came to the conclusion that- who cares how long it takes me, if it’s going to be what makes me happy. I’ll be more happy all the years going to school for it and I’ll be more happy afterwards. So, yep. 

“Of course, not all of life is rosy, and INFPs are not exempt from the same disappointments and frustrations common to humanity. As INTPs tend to have a sense of failed competence, INFPs struggle with the issue of their own ethical perfection, e.g., perfo rmance of duty for the greater cause. An INFP friend describes the inner conflict as not good versus bad, but on a grand scale, Good vs. Evil. Luke Skywalker in Star Wars depicts this conflict in his struggle between the two sides of “The Force.” Although the dark side must be reckoned with, the INFP believes that good ultimately triumphs.”

I sort of think I’m somewhere between INFP and INTP.

“INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP’s value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. “

I’ve also heard that the tests can’t be completely accurate. I mean, obviously not everyone falls perfectly under a category. I might take the test again later and see what I get. As of about four months ago I’m INFP, and I feel for the most part it seems like me. And then there is INTP as well.

And this is the best explanation I’ve found as to why I generally don’t feel confident in minimum wage jobs, as truly stupid as it sounds. I feel that being a social worker would honestly be easier for me than working at Pizza Hut. It’s pretty pathetic but my mind isn’t with a job that I feel has no purpose. I think too much and it requires about as little, simple thinking as possible, and then at the same time hinders me from doing my own personal thinking because you still have to pay attention to what you are doing, haha. It’s the worst medium.

“The INFP is a special, sensitive individual who needs a career which is more than a job. The INFP needs to feel that everything they do in their lives is in accordance with their strongly-felt value systems, and is moving them and/or others in a positive, growth-oriented direction. They are driven to do something meaningful and purposeful with their lives. The INFP will be happiest in careers which allow them to live their daily lives in accordance with their values, and which work towards the greater good of humanity. It’s worth mentioning that nearly all of the truly great writers in the world have been INFPs.”

It seems like I never write on here anymore, hey? 

As it turns out, I don’t even know what to write or say or express.

My face has been really dry lately. I need some severe dry skin moisturizer for it. I’m being invited somewhere with free food. I just may take the offer. Meow.

Anyways- I didn’t have a New Years resolution until today. I had one last year. It was about the longest list known to man. I should look at it now. Anyways, this year all I’m going to try to do is apply something that needs to be upkept on a weekly basis to it’s own day a week, and make sure I complete it on it’s given day. That is all. Just a simple weekly schedule. 

Excuse me while I make a draft, go to Verizon, and then work.

Glad I got that off my chest.

Anyways.

I need to make a list of things I have to do today.

• Clean me and Nick’s room
• Go to Verizon with my mom and get proper PIN
• Shower and wash my hair
• Bring towels to my mom’s to wash
• Go to Michigan Works
• Possibly clean little room
• Wash litter box
• Call my dad and see if he can help me get my vanity fixed, fix the light in the hall, and whatever.

I will probably not get all of that done, but my priority is Verizon.

My head hurts. Too much rum. Whiskey and opium probably don’t help either.

Quite honestly, whether I’m drunk or not, I”m fucking sick of this shit. I want to have friends without a problem. It shouldn’t matter. Yeesh.